You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
