I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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