So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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