his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
