Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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