I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
