I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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