Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
