His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
