Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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