here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
