ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Randomize
