Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
