I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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