please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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