How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
