I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
