hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
