woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
