What did we do last night that was yellow?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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