yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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