Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
