I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
