i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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