I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have aggressive nipples.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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