i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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