I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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