She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
