I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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