you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
