M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
