MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
