you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
