Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
