my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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