Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
