How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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