I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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