there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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