Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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