yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
