Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
