Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
