He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
