Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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