Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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