can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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