Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
