You can't special order awesome
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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