omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
