a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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