I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
