My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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