Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
