After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
