last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
