i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
found the other keg... it's in the tree
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
