At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
