You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
