he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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