My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
